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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.