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Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.