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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.