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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
only fights if pillows are present.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.