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I was feeling down...then all of a sudden I felt myself up. Win, win situation! ;)
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.