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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.