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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.