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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.