Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`