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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.