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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I just made you think of an elephant
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.