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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t