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I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.