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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.