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Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
There really should be awards for getting out of bed.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.