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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Trust me, I am a liar.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"