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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.