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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.