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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.