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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon