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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Smooth move.........ExLax
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.