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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?