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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I fake my LOLs
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.