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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
I drink because people talk.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.