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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.