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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.