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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button