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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
Very little scares me. So does very big.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
My number was 0...
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`