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Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
They should make Vodka ChapStick
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto