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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.