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I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.