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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
I flunked anger management class.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.