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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
I like people... From a distance.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted