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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
Relationship Status: eating
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.