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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.