Daily Silly Status

My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.

Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.

Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.

Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.

I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.

I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here

I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..

The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men`s underwear.

Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.

Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.