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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!