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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels