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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.