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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
“Knock him out.” – Mama
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.