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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.