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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.