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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Carfax but for people
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem