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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, Iām willing to go pretty much anywhere.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.