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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I drink to make other people interesting
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.