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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.