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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards