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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.