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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.