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I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.