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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.