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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.