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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.