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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
Some of my best memories are naps.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.